


An Unexpected Visitor

by Roga



Category: Parks and Recreation, West Wing
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 19:33:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/601315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roga/pseuds/Roga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pod!Chris arrived in town on December 21st, 2012.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Unexpected Visitor

**Author's Note:**

  * For [krabapple](https://archiveofourown.org/users/krabapple/gifts).



Pod!Chris arrived in town on December 21st, 2012. The night guard at the Pawnee, Indiana City Hall was the first to meet him, shivering on the front steps of the building.

“Did you forget anything at the office?” Andy asked, blowing into his hands and rubbing them together.

The man looked mildly confused. “Hello. No, I don’t... work here. It’s nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too,” Andy said perfunctorily. “So really. Are you going in or out? My fingers are about to fall off.” He rocked back on his heels.

“In, thank you,” said the man, and followed Andy into the main hall. “Do you need to see an ID, or...?”

Andy winked. "I think we can let it slide, boss."

The man frowned. "Unconventionally lax procedures, but I'm cold so I'll take it. Is there a phone here I can use? My car broke down just up the road, and my cellphone's dead."

"Oh, we can just call Ron," Andy said. He went over to the abandoned reception, and dialed. "Hey, Ron," he said, as the man surveyed the _Pawnee: Evolution of the Funeral_ mural. "Chris's car broke down and he's stuck here, can you come rescue him so he doesn't have to sleep in the office again?" There was a pause. "Out of town? No he's not, he's right in front of me." Andy narrowed his eyes. "If I don't call back in three minutes," he whispered, "call the police. Tell them to bring the vaccines." 

He hung up and turned to the man. "Help is on the way!" he said brightly.

"Thank you so much," said the man with relief. "I don't suppose you have an open cafeteria, or even a snack machine around here? I've been driving for hours, got lost somewhere around—yeah. If I knew I probably wouldn't have gotten lost in the first place."

Andy's eyes glinted. "Yes. Yes we do. How would you feel about—" He dug into his jacket and pulled out a crumpled red bag. "This greasy bag of fries saturated in trans fats and armpit sweat?"

The man blinked. "You know, I could have done without the armpits, but I really am kind of hungry, so." He shrugged. "Hand it over."

The bag made a loud squelch as it fell to the ground. 

" _IMPOSTER!_ " Andy yelled, and charged. 

*

It was almost 8AM by the time Donna made it into the office. 

"It is a _Saturday morning_ ," she said, putting down her purse. "What was so urgent that it could not wait until Monday?"

"He kept calling for you in his sleep," April moaned. 

"Not sleep," Andy said. "Slumber."

"The slumber…" said Tom. "Of the _undead._ "

Donna stared at the three of them. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

April lifted a theatrically shaking arm and pointed. Across the room, Chris was sitting in a chair, bound by scarves, tilting slightly to the side and out like a light.

Donna spun back to glare at them. "I just want you to know that I am not covering for any of you when the cops come to take you away."

Tom shook his head sadly. "That's not Chris, Donna. I'm afraid that Chris as we knew him… is gone."

"And now with less dramatic pauses and more answers," Donna snapped.

Chris groaned.

"It's a zombie," April said. 

"A Mayan zombie," Andy said. 

"We _think_ it's a Mayan zombie," Tom corrected. "We're willing to entertain other possibilities, though. We're not closed-minded."

"Clearly," Donna said dryly.

Tom started counting on his fingers. "Look, we know he's not Chris, because he wanted to eat Andy's gross night shift fries, he was driving a stolen car, and he wasn't crying about being alone on the day of the Mayan apocalypse. Which, by the way, didn't happen yaaay." He gave her a small, hopeful smile and raised a hand for a hi-five.

Donna pursed her lips. "You make a compelling argument," she said finally, and reluctantly fived him back. "Why is he out? Shouldn't we be interrogating him?"

"The sleeping pill should wear off in a few minutes," Tom said. 

"We had to give it to him," April said darkly. "He was raging. Out of control. Slobbering spit and foaming everywhere."

"You only got here after he was conked out, didn't you," said Donna.

April looked down and kicked the floor. "Yes."

"And you?" Donna asked Tom. 

"I was already here," he said, and elaborated at her unrelenting stare. "Sometiiiimes I like to sleep on the fourth floor. There's this cozy little cushion behind the divorce files cabinet and it's got free heating! Electricity's expensive, yo."

Donna shook her head. 

Pod!Chris made a small sound. "Donna," it groaned. 

"See!" Andy said triumphantly. "It called you again."

"Josh," it continued. 

Donna raised her eyebrows. "Who the hell is Josh?"

"Right," said Andy. "Sometimes he calls for him too. And Toby, and Leo, and CJ, and April says he also called a few congressmen by name." He grinned. "April knows the names of congresspeoples."

April blushed. "Shut up."

Pod!Chris made another noise, and opened his eyes. "What," he slurred. 

Andy jumped to his feet and straightened his back. "Good morning, Chris. Or should I say— _Mayan apocalypse zombie Chris_?"

Pod!Chris shook his head groggily. "What?"

"Let me try," Donna said. She crossed her arms and bent to look at Pod!Chris in the eyes. "Who are you?"

Pod!Chris blinked a few times, and said: "Sam Seaborn, D, California 47th District Congressman. ID's in my front right pocket."

Andy took a hesitant step forward, but Donna cut in. "Let me."

Donna spent the exact time necessary with her hand on Pod!Chris's not un-powerful right thigh to pull out his wallet. 

She opened it. April, Tom and Andy crowded in to take a look. 

It was Tom who manned up and said: 

"Uh-oh."

*

It was a fuller entourage that ended up walking Congressman Seaborn to his now-fixed, refueled car, brandishing a Ron Swanson figurative stamp of approval.

"Oh my god, I am so, so sorry," Leslie said again.

"Really sorry," Ben added.

"Really, truly, sorry," Leslie said. "Don't worry. This will never happen again. In fact, we're going to fire everyone involved."

"Hey," Tom said. 

"No we're not, I don't know why I said that. Look, Congressman," Leslie said, placing a hand on his Seaborn's arm. "Here in Pawnee, we strive to protect our citizens from all enemies, foreign, domestic and undead. As city councilwoman, I vow that we will continue doing so to the best of our ability and strictly within the authority granted to us by the federal government."

"You know, maybe if the government, like, had laws about what you're technically allowed and not allowed to do to suspected zombies…" Andy started. "…No?"

"No," Ben and Seaborn said together. 

"Again, we cannot apologize enough," Leslie said. "And thank you so much for not pressing charges."

Seaborn sighed. "Yeah. Look. I had no idea I was in Chris's town. If I'd known, I would have steered clear to begin with, and definitely would not have risked my luck navigating by the stars. Again. In a snowstorm." Seaborn pulled down his complementary Rent-a-Swag designer knit cap. "There's a reason Chris and I stay in different states. This kind of thing has… happened before."

He cleared his throat. 

"I'm just going to go now."

The Pawnee Parks and Recreation government waved him off. 

"Andy," Leslie said crisply. "You know how Ron gets in the middle of the night."

Ron rubbed his still motor-oiled hands with a damp cloth. "When people call me in the middle of the night I pretend to agree to whatever they want and go back to sleep."

Leslie sighed. "Next time you have problems in the middle of the night, if they are in any way related to work because I don't want to know anything about your sex life, please call me, not Ron."

"What if I do have questions about my sex life?" Andy asked.

"Then you can call Ron."

"Ew, no," said April.

"You can call me," Donna said, and nodded at April. "Don't worry girl, I got your back."

Ben snaked an arm around Leslie's waist. "Hey," he said, kissing her cheek. "I'm almost entirely sure this won't come back to bite us in the ass when we go on to have prosperous careers in Washington."

"Of course it won't!" Chris's tinny voice piped up from Donna's speakerphone. "Sam's an amazing, not to mention _painfully_ beautiful, person. I can't believe I missed him! I barely get to see him once a year, and he is— _literally_ —my cousin."

"I can't believe I gave him a hat," Tom said sadly. "It's called Rent-a-Swag, not Give-a-Swag. Boo."

"Look at it as free publicity," Ben suggested.

Tom perked up. "Hmm. Maybe I can have Chris model my clothes and endorse it on the Congressman's behalf."

"I would be utterly overjoyed to do that for you, Tom," said Chris, "but that would be illegal."

"Hey, Tommy boy, stand in line," Leslie said. "Way before he makes time for your catalogue, Chris is going to impersonate the Congressman to invite Joe Biden to our wedding."

"I don't think that's going to happen," said Ben.

"It might," said Leslie.

"No, it won't," said Chris.

"We'll see," Leslie said tightly.

"I like y'all's priorities," Donna said, "but all I want to know is if he's single."

"He's actually not," said Chris.

Donna sighed. "Of course he wouldn't be."

"But I am," Chris continued.

There was a pause. 

"I said that out loud, didn't I," Chris said. "My therapist told me I should--"

"Chris," Donna said, and cleared her throat. Her tone was far more sultry when she continued. "I'm going to take you off speakerphone now, okay?"

As she stepped aside to continue the conversation in private, Andy took a deep breath, stretching and cracking his fingers. "So. We survived the apocalypse."

"Not the Zorp apocalypse," said Leslie.

"Damn it," Andy muttered. 

"If we get an Anne zombie clone in the next apocalypse," said Tom, "I got dibs." Leslie flicked him in the ear. "Ow!"

Snow began to fall on Pawnee.

"Till next time, Zorp," Andy said, shaking a fist at the sky. "Till next time."


End file.
